I see the inevitable has happened, and you’ve reached my article. I’ve written in a few issues by now, so my antics may be familiar to some of you. For the rest, my name is Jo Graham and I don’t know much about wrestling. It’s a thing. I know enough to hold a conversation – names, gimmicks, current plots. Beyond that, nada. Do I let my lack knowledge stop me from spouting my nonsense wherever possible? Absolutely not! I will gladly push my uninformed opinions right down that throat of yours with no shame whatsoever.
After thinking long and hard over what my next article would be about, I decided to veer ever so slightly from my normal piece on wrestlers that look like hams (or testicles or hotdogs) and instead focus on the positive attributes certain wrestlers can bring to the ring. Today, I will be writing about which wrestlers I personally think are the most hansy. Hansy means handsome, by the way. This article will be subjective, fuelled entirely by (my) opinion and isn’t worth anything to anyone. BUT I’M DOING IT ANYWAY. To make things a little more objective, I decided to talk to the boys from the Attitude Era Podcast; Kefin, Adam and Billy, and learn more about their tastes on hansy hunks from the position of being mostly straight men.
Without further ado: the top 10 hansy hunks in wrestling.
10) CM Punk
Birth name: Phillip Jack “Phil” Brooks
Height: 6 ft 2
Just barely scraping his way onto the bottom of the list is Chicago-born CM Punk – the outspoken, anti-establishment mixed martial artist currently married to fellow retired wrestler (and Divas Champion) AJ Lee. At 36, he’s old enough to be my Dad but looks damn good considering. In fact, you could easily compare him to a fine wine, improving significantly with age. CM Punk is straight-edge and has been his whole life, which is maybe why he’s so well-preserved. He’s also co-written a couple of Marvel comics, including the upcoming Drax series, whatever that is.
Why he’s a hansy hunk: He can REALLY pull off that whole Hugh Jackman Wolverine look. Not so much the lanky ponytail.
Adam says: “CM Punk is possibly the hottest of all time, which is amazing considering he was at a time possibly the worst looking person ever”
Birth name: Claudio Castagnoli
Height: 6 ft 5
It’s no surprise Cesaro’s made it onto this list, considering there’s probably not a single person who wouldn’t have him in their top 10. Cesaro is very tall, and very very handsome. Having grown up in Lucerne, Switzerland, he’s also fluent in five languages, which is impressive by anyone’s standards. Although some say his baldness detracts from his hansy levels, I’m of the opinion that it simply accentuates his perfectly angular face. Meanwhile, Cesaro’s body looks like it’s literally been sculpted by Michelangelo himself, with the chiselled pecs of a Greek god.
Cesaro is also married to fellow wrestler and current Assistant Head Coach of NXT, Sara Del Rey, making them a strong contender for the made-up-just-now-by-me WWE Power Couple award. According to Wikipedia, Cesaro’s ring name was at one point ‘Mysteriously Familiar Ice Cream’, which for some reason I find intriguing and sexy.
Why he’s a hansy hunk: As Billy says, “he can say “you look beautiful tonight, I love you” in five different languages” and the whole perfectly sculpted body sure does help too.
8) Hideo Itami (also known as Kenta)
Birth name: Kenta Kobayashi
Height: 5 ft 9
Hideo Itami is a Japanese wrestler currently in NXT. Somehow he’s the same age as Cesaro, despite looking at least 5 years younger than him. He’s also only 5 ft 9, making him the shortest wrestler on this list, and only two inches taller than me. I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about Itami, except that since moving to America he’s been teaching himself English at an amazing pace, and that he’s incredibly handsome. He sports a rather fetching beard, which I’m a big fan of, and is the most stylish man on the list (sorry Cesaro). Seriously, just look at his suits. In fact, go right now and Google ‘Hideo Itami suit’, sit back and enjoy the endless photographs of him in a simple grey single button blazer, white shirt and thin black tie. Those suits weren’t made for him, oh no. Hideo Itami was made FOR suits.
Why he’s a hansy hunk: Nice beard, great suits, and his face and body certainly don’t hurt either.
7) Cody Rhodes
Birth name: Cody Garrett Runnels
Height: 6 ft 2
Next up is a wrestler so handsome, it was his gimmick. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes’ ‘thing’ was that he was incredibly vain, claiming to be the best-looking wrestler in WWE (which was probably true). Extremely protective of his beautiful looks, if he was hit in the face he’d throw a tantrum and have to consult a mirror immediately. In a match against Rey Mysterio, his nose was accidentally broken, and as such, Rhodes declared he was no longer dashing and required facial reconstructive surgery. Obviously they did an incredible job, because he’s still hot as hell.
Why he’s a hansy hunk: I’ll never forget the first time I saw Cody Rhodes minus his Stardust makeup and literally did a double-take. That man could be an underwear model.
Kefin says: Cody Rhodes is so dashing he made a bar full of grown ass men I was in watching a PPV all stand up and boo him one time. No-one who inspires that much anger in men with low self esteem can be anything other than beautiful.
6) Sami Zayn
Birth name: Rami Sebei
Height: 6 ft 1
Onto my number one fave hansy man, it’s Sami Zayn! Sami is Canadian born and of Syrian descent; a fact I didn’t learn until around 4 months ago when he gave a promo in Arabic. In fact, Zayn is a close contender to Cesaro, in that he can speak four languages: Arabic, English, Spanish and French. As one of the most graceful wrestlers I’ve ever seen, he gets hansy hunk points for having a rather hairy chest. Unfortunately he loses some for his awful flat cap and love of ska.
Why he’s a hansy hunk: I love an underdog, and he has that down to a tee. His cheeky grin and really, really, REALLY nice beard offer bonus points. Wish he’d stop wearing that hat.
Kefin says: “Seeing as he frequently ends up in severely dramatic and emotionally crippling storylines where he is literally and figuratively crushed, I figured the least we can all do is tell Sami he’s actually number 1 on this list. It’d be great for his confidence”.
5) Kofi Kingston
Birth name: Kofi Nahaje Sarkodie-Mensah
Height: 6 ft
Kofi Kingston is an undeniable hunk. Member of the loveable trio The New Day, he was born in Ghana and raised in America, although WWE billed his country of birth as Jamaica “because of Bob Marley and reggae music”…which makes absolutely no sense to me and as such I will file it under INEXPLICABLE WRESTLING DECISIONS – a place where logic and reason go to die. Although the entirety of The New Day wouldn’t be out of place on this list, Kofi’s undeniable charisma, sparkling smile (AND MEGA HOT BOD) made him my choice for the number 5 slot.
Why he’s a hansy hunk: Xavier Woods is the clever one, Big E is the funny one, which makes Kofi Kingston the undeniably hot one.
Kefin says: “Not only is he a lovely lad, he once worked in a position of moderate responsibility in Staples, which by all accounts is a fine company. I would however advise against hanging around with The New Day too much, as they all seem to have the clap.” Booooo.
4) Jimmy Uso
Birth name: Jonathan Solofa Fatu Jr.
Height: 6 ft 2
I feel kind of weird about putting a twin on this list without including the other twin, but I’m a jerk so I’m doing it. Jimmy Uso is one half of The Usos, the incredibly handsome Samoan twin brothers tag team. As it happens, they’re related to number 2 on this list, so hansy-ness clearly runs in the family. Jimmy’s married to fellow wrestler Naomi, who is currently working as The Usos manager. For a while I was put off Jimmy Uso when in an episode of Total Divas he injured his foot, and the camera operators wouldn’t stop dramatically zooming into his bloodied toe, nail hanging off and all. Luckily I’ve managed to put that behind me, and as such he’s made his way to number 4 on my list.
Why he’s a hansy hunk: Have you seen his smile???
Adam says: “Jimmy Uso is not as hansy as Jey Uso”. Adam is wrong.
Birth name: Trevor Mann
Height: 5 ft 10
I don’t know anything about Richochet. The only reason I’m including him on the list is that someone mentioned how handsome he is and I Googled him and sure enough he’s basically the most handsome man to ever walk the earth. Wikipedia wasn’t too helpful with providing fun facts on him either, as you can see:
That’s it. That’s the entirety of that section. According to the internet he’s only 26 which means he’s the only person on this list young enough for me to date without my parents judging me.
Why he’s a hansy hunk: Look, if you’re so good-looking you can get me to put you at number 3 on a list of hansy wrestlers even without ever once seeing you wrestle, you’ve probably earned the right to be there. Keep up the excellent work, Trevor.
2) Roman Reigns
Birth name: Leati Joseph Anoaʻi
Height: 6 ft 3
Controversial opinion is this one. The half-Samoan, half-Italian Roman Reigns scores very highly on the hansy list for a few reasons. One, he’s very, very hansy. Two, he’s a dad (and by the looks of it, a really good one), which is hot in its own way and scores some heavy hunk points. He’s a retired footballer, meaning there’s lots of great photos of him in those big shoulder-pad things, which as we all know are inexplicably sexy, and he studied management at college. Reigns loses some hunk points with his kinda odd goatee thing, and this writer thinks he should just grow full beard already.
Why he’s a hansy hunk: Looks like an action man figurine.
Adam says: “I’ve genuinely never understood the “Roman Reigns is gorgeous” gimmick, and I’m not just saying that to be one of those anti-Roman guys because I quite like him these days” Gimmick????
1) Seth Rollins
Birth name: Colby Lopez
Height: 6 ft 1
And so we come the the number one slot. Seth Rollins. It’s no coincidence that as I’m writing this, Seth is the World Heavyweight Champion. In fact his recent purchase of three brand new Apple watches to Kane and J&J Security gained him some serious hunk bonus points. Not only did it show he’s generous, but also that he’s thoughtful and appreciative of hard work. He bought Kane his first ever vacation! To Hawaii!! He’s also not afraid to give out compliments, telling his team that they “look so good!!” in their new gadget wristwatches.
It’s not just his new found money that makes him appealing though. Seth’s been cultivating a rather lovely beard recently, and if he thinks I haven’t noticed his newly groomed chest hair, he’s sorely wrong. He looks great in leather pants, has abs of steel (with a cute fuzzy tummy to match) and his ring-wear is always exceptional. He also scores some bonus hunk points purely due to a feud I have going with Adam Bibilo from The Attitude Era Podcast over who is the most hansy out of Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. I figure that by making Seth the number one most hansy hunk in an article published in a wrestling magazine, it makes it official. I WIN.
Hey Attitude Era boys, who’s the most hansy hunk in wrestling?
Billy Keable (@billykeable)
Cesaro. He loves coffee and we could go on some dates to some amazing artisan coffee shops and he’s so strong he could carry me around all the time. Everyone loves a European gentleman. He has found a way to big swing my heart.
Adam Bibilo (@biblops)
Finn Balor. He’s got like, that handsome footballer kind of look about him. I can totally see him advertising cologne. And that’s not normally my bag, but he’s a wrestler so it works.
Kefin Mahon (@KefinMahon)
Bull Dempsey. I really just figure I’d feel really safe being held in his arms.